


Scam Likely's Magnum Opus

by redrichards



Category: Dungeons and Daddies (Podcast)
Genre: All of my potential beta readers are in this fic exchange lol, Crack Relationships, M/M, Not Beta Read, new years fic exchange
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:27:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28361664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redrichards/pseuds/redrichards
Summary: Scam Likelymayhave developed a small crush on that crunchy-munchy hippie guy wandering around in the forgotten realms. He's not going to admit to it, and it appears that Glenn is the only person who's wised up to Scam's antics.Rated T for mild language.
Relationships: Henry Oak/Scam Likely (Dungeons and Daddies)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6
Collections: Secret Sons Fanfic Exchange





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [JoyHeart](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoyHeart/gifts).



> Written for the New Years Fic Exchange in the **Bull E. Wog's Bar** discord. For the lovely and talented Jay! I think I got a little carried away. This is very silly.
> 
> Prompt: "I want a fic where scam likely flirts shamelessly with henry oak and only glenn realizes whats going on"

To Scam Likely, the Forgotten Realms were his perfect jazz solo.

None of the participants knew it- although that crusty warlock in Ravenloft might be wising up to his antics- but they were all essential notes in a song whose melody Scam Likely commanded. The farmer who woke up to find his cows standing in the hayloft of his barn, the old woman whose knitting needles turned into a pair of uncooked spaghetti noodles, and even the manager of the Bull E. Wog’s in Waterdeep whose matching sock had miraculously grown legs and jumped off the bed when he turned his back on it: they were all puppets attached to his strings, keys on his piano. And oh, was the chorus not heavenly?

Scam found himself loathe to attachments. He was quickly bored by subjects; cycling to new individuals to torment often. He was never afraid that a repeat victim might wise up to his tricks and wiggle their way out of his scams- he was too good to ever be caught, and anyways the horrified expression of his prey realizing they’d falling for his wiles _again_ was delightful. He yearned for the newest and freshest responses though. There were different flavors of anguish, and he wanted to collect them all.

The daddies had been a delightful surprise, and he had been fixated on them for a while. He had made his first appearance when the daddies were planning on infiltrating the Redbrands outside Waterdeep, however his fingers had been in the pie before then. The knot on the drawstring of that bag of beans had been much tighter before Scam had his way with it. He had to say he wasn’t expecting a pyramid to appear, but the chaos it had caused to Neverwinter had been utterly delightful. A true cacophony of chords. A crescendo at the beginning of his newest line of jests.

He followed the daddies quietly after that, only fixing the game when he saw the most opportune chances. Otherwise, they seemed to drag themselves into trouble quite fine, and he enjoyed the chance to sit back and watch the random chaos of bad decisions from time to time.

He had to admit that recently his interests were a bit… _Different_ in their nature. The smile that split his face was alien compared to his usual neutrally chaotic demeanor. The joy that bubbled within him was, well, _bubbling_. Like a swarm of butterflies were bursting from cocoons inside his abdomen. He was unfamiliar with this experience, and the feelings that overwhelmed him were trying to take control of the tempo. He felt a desperation to be seen.

Watching the four of them kill his cousin had been the final straw. The last bit of reservation keeping him contained snapped. As the dads travelled to Neverwinter to hire a gang of mercenaries, he began his plotting: perfecting his Glenn disguise, blowing up the bouncy castle, locating the local bottomless well, and coming up with his best Truths and Dares yet.

The encounter had been delightful. What had begun as a quest for revenge and punishment devolved into a friend-date of sorts. He still mourned the Library, of course, but being around the daddies was just so delicious. It wasn’t until they were leaving that he realized what exactly about that encounter had been so encapsulating. Against his better judgement, his untoward feelings encouraged him to continue to stalk the daddies after their date.

Scam watched from the streets of Neverwinter, disguised as a little gnomish man with pamphlets of cheap (fake) insurance, as the daddies exited the pyramid. Three of them looked quite broken up. The rocker, Glenn, was sauntering about like normal; now taking command of the intern that had followed them in. Darryl and Henry, the usual candidates for alpha, were quiet and carrying bags of luggage with the reverence one might give a casket. Ron- looking just _excellent_ in his boxers- was reserved, but Scam could tell he was hiding a desperation that hadn’t been there before. They met up with the Sheriff Boreanaz and Benedict Cabbagepatch. He could see Benedict’s moustache bouncing on his face as he spoke. (Cabbagepatch’s moustache had been a curse curtesy of yours truly in exchange for a rundown timeshare on Sword Coast. One of his better scams.) He craned his neck, hoping to overhear their conversation from this distance. Something about hiring mercenaries…?

“I gave you my shillings, now where’s my damn insurance?” The heavily accented voice broke Scam’s concentration. Beside him, a lanky auburn Tiefling tapped his foot impatiently, arms folded over his chest.

“Ah, yes, certainly!” Scam replied in his normal jovial tone. He fished in his trench coat for a moment, willing the form to exist, and then pulling a piece of notarized paper out. The Tiefling snatched it from his hand aggressively and held it up to his face to read it.

“Says here all I gotta say is ‘Bow fuh deez naughts’ if I need to make a claim and my claims manager should teleport to me. Do I got that right?”

Scam held back the temptation to giggle. “Yes, exactly. Depending on the offense, they may even offer you a hot tub! Thank you for joining the Like-A-Good-Neighbor family.” Scam made to disappear into the crowd. The daddies were splitting up, and Henry, Darryl and Paeden were climbing into the minivan.

His most recent victim was blind to his departure. Scam melted into the crowd easily. Neverwinter was still a bustling town even after the accident, although most of the remaining people were either soldiers or refugees. As he was jockeyed by elbows, he changed his form; shrinking until he was only a few inches tall. His arms turned into wings and his trench coat a set of black feathers. Two meek humans were knocked apart in the parade of people meandering through town square by a raven that neither had noticed a moment before.

Scam took to the sky. This was the best way for him to keep pace with the minivan. He could teleport, yes, but the daddies always seemed to be one step ahead of him. They had yet to notice the lone raven trailing them through most of their adventure.

From the clouds above of Neverwinter, Scam focused his hearing on the pair of Ron and Glenn as they followed Cabbagepatch through town (Boreanaz had split from the party to sit on his ass outside the pyramid and empty his flask down his gullet). He heard them discuss mercenaries and the few gems they still possessed until finally their destination: Ravenloft.

-

Scam had been following the daddies for hours now. The trip to Ravenloft would take days. He had taken the form of one of the mercenaries and trotted along behind the minivan on a horse with the rest of the troupe. He had grown tired of flapping his wings all day. The hours of travel had left his mind to wander. He was getting bored of the repetitive scenery: a forest, a prairie, a town, another forest, another prairie, another town- rinse and repeat. He had never gone this long without enacting a scam on someone, and he was starting to get antsy.

The idea came to his mind in absolute clarity. One quick, simple scam to make this trip a little more interesting and maybe satiate the bubbling in his stomach. He excused himself from his fellow soldiers to take a leak. He tied his horse to a tree, and watched the Honda disappear over the horizon, scampering off into the forest once it was out of sight. He dropped his disguise and returned to his true form with a few added effects of blood and mild injury. He wanted to look hurt, but not too hurt. This would spook the dads, but he didn’t want to traumatize them. He took a deep breath, prepared himself for his next performance, and snapped his fingers.

He disappeared as the crack of his middle finger impacting with his palm broke the silence of the forest, reappearing immediately in front of the minivan, laying prone on the grass. His timing had been perfect. The tires rolled over his body before the driver or any of the passengers had a chance to see what had appeared on the road in front of them. The weight of the Odyssey drove Scam a few inches into the dirt as it drove over him at forty miles per hour. The passengers of the car rocked from side to side, and the suspension creaked. He wasn’t entirely prepared for just how heavy the minivan was and was beginning to wish he had come up with another plan.

From the ground he could hear Glenn shout, “What the hell?” and Darryl slam on the brakes. The car stopped a few feet down the road. As the doors were thrust open, Scam put on his best unconscious face.

“I didn’t see anything in the road! I don’t know what that was.“ Darryl was frantic.

“Oh _shit._ It’s a person!” Glenn stopped in his tracks. “Guys, we gotta run. We can’t get caught with a dead body!”

“You don’t know they’re dead!” Scam could hear Henry running to his side. “Oh jeez. Oh gosh. It’s Scam Likely! We ran over Scam!”

“Good. He deserves that for throwing all of our jewels down the well.” Glenn spit on the ground.

“He wasn’t in the road a minute ago! I had my hands on ten and 2 and my eyes on the road-“ Darryl was rambling to himself. Paeden patted him on the arm.

Scam was beginning to realize they might need some direction. Things weren’t going exactly as he had planned.

“Someone give me CPR,” He muttered.

“Someone give him CPR!” Ron parroted. None of them questioned why the unconscious body had talked.

“No way! This is probably another elaborate ruse,” Glenn said.

Darryl was pacing anxiously, “I’ll do it. This is my fault. I don’t know how this happened…” He started to walk over to him.

“It has to be Henry!” Scam prompted again.

“Oh, gee golly. It has to be me!” Henry was wringing his hands beside Scam. “I should check to see what’s wrong.” He gently grasped Scam’s wrist and began to cast minor magic on him.

Scam’s stomach knotted. He knew the jig was up. The car had been heavy, but not heavy enough to seriously injure Scam, and Henry’s magic would reveal that fact.

“Oh…” Henry whispered.

Darryl moved closer. “What is it, Henry?”

“My healing magic tells me that Scam has no major wounds…” He paused for a moment before laughing. “Oh, Scam, you scamp! You tricked me again, didn’t you!” He shook his head.

Scam Likely took this as his cue to jump to his feet and shake off the illusion of his wounds. “Hehehehe! Foiled again! Scam Likely away!!” He taunted them with fake confidence and turned to run off, tripping over a tree root in his panic. He clambered ungracefully to his feet and scuttled away.

Once Scam had disappeared behind the tree line, he turned to watch as Glenn rubbed his chin pensively. “I wonder what sort of game he’s playing…”

That gambit had not worked out like he had hoped. 

-

When he saw the car again, he was a mile or so ahead of them, seated just outside of the next dingy town on their route. The minivan was cresting the horizon with the Gladiator soundtrack blasting at full volume from the interior speakers.

Scam had spent the interim reflecting over the failures of his last scheme and brainstorming how to formulate his next attempt. He had been so close to achieving his goal, his only failure was in the fabrication of his injuries. This time he had to make it real.

“Show time, boy!” Scam cheered to the snake that was writhing in his fist. He had summoned the creature a few minutes ago in preparation for his next ruse. The beast had been stronger than he had expected and had almost nipped him while he was wrestling the snake into a choke hold. He wasn’t too worried about the toxins from the snake’s bite- he was a magical being of indeterminate origin after all, a snake bite shouldn’t cause any real fuss- but if the snake bit him in the wrong spot, it would foil his plan.

As the minivan edged closer into view and the music grew louder, Scam raised the snake to look him in the eye. “Alright, go ahead and give me a big smooch right here,” he tapped his lips. The snake wriggled in his hand, its gaze communicating an untamed ferocity anxiously waiting to be released. Scam loosened his grip and the snake dove straight for him, sinking its fangs deep into his skin.

The bite was not pleasant. Scam could feel the toxins entering his bloodstream. His heart pounded in his ears, almost loud enough to drown out the soundtrack blaring from the Odyssey as it approached.

Once the snake felt it had done enough damage, it withdrew itself from Scam’s lower lip. Scam dropped it on the floor, and it slithered away into the forest eagerly. _Time to perform,_ Scam thought to himself before feigning pain and stumbling into the road.

Darryl saw him this time, and the car skidded to a halt. The music silenced abruptly.

“Scam? What the hell?” Darryl cursed, his voice quivering the trauma the last trick had given him.

“Oh, daddies! Thank god I found you!” Scam fell to his knees in the dirt and pretended to cough. “I’ve just been bit by a snake! I need someone to suck the poison out.”

“A _likely_ story!” Glenn narrowed his eyes at Scam, who swooned as convincingly as he could.

Henry shook his head. “Don’t be so accusatorial, Glenn! It’s our old pal, Scam! We can trust him.”

Glenn scoffed, “Trust? Scam Likely?” But nobody was listening. Ron, Darryl, Henry and Paeden hopped out of the minivan to rush over to Scam. Scam pretended to writhe in pain and whimper when they reached out to touch him.

Ron knelt to look at Scam’s swollen lip, Ron’s eyes still mirroring the glassy, half-dazed expression he always carried. “You know, Samantha says I’m a pretty good kisser. I think I can suck this venom out.”

 _Oh god. A kiss from Ron? Hell no._ “It has to be Henry! His druid powers make him immune to the poison!” Scam was talking out of his ass here but getting a kiss from Henry was the whole point.

“It’s a trick! Why would he let himself get bit on the lips like that?” Glenn furiously threw his hands into the air.

Henry reached out to touch Scam’s chest. Scam could feel the minor magic radiating from his palm. A test for poison that Scam would definitely pass.

“Glenn, it’s true. He’s poisoned. I have to help him. He owes us a scam. We might need it.” Henry pushed some loose hair behind his ear and bent over to examine Scam’s face.

Glenn narrowed his eyes at Scam, “What’s your play, Likely?” Scam tried to smile in rebuttal, but he couldn’t quite feel his lips anymore. Oh no.

“I see the bite mark on his lips. I’m going to suck the poison out.”

Scam looked up to see Henry bent over him, his expression communicating a genuine distress for Scam’s well-being. He could feel Henry cradle the back of his head with one hand, the other hand cupping his chin. His vision was starting to go foggy as Henry leaned forward to take his bottom lip between his. His last sensation before everything went black was Henry’s fingers tangled in his hair.

-

When he woke up again, the daddies were nowhere to be seen. He was no longer in the road. Instead, he found himself laying in a pile of hay outside a barn fifty feet or so away from the road. He sat up from his makeshift bed to examine his surroundings. He could make out tire tracks in the nearby dirt leading toward Ravenloft.

Beside him, a lady sat in a rocking chair, knitting skillfully with two uncooked spaghetti noodles.

“Good, you’re alive.” She huffed, knitting the last stitch in her row and turning her work to knit the other side. “You’re lucky. Those dumb asses tried to suck snake poison out of you. You know that doesn’t work, right?” She sighed and shook her head. “You’re lucky that druid boy realized they had an antidote on hand, otherwise you would’ve died.”

Maybe Scam shouldn’t play around with poisons in the future. Unless he knew for sure that he was immune.

Regardless, the ploy had worked. He had gotten a kiss from Henry Oak, even if his lips had been too numb to feel it. Scam flopped back onto the hay bed and sighed. He really owed Henry his life now. The daddies were probably close to Ravenloft now. The bastards who took their kids would easily outmatch the daddies even with their army of mercenaries. They were going to need his help.

“You know who might be able to help us with this, is our old friend, Scam Likely, who owes us a scam!” Henry’s voice rung in Scam ears even though he was miles away. Scam pulled a slim pink Razor flip phone out of his pocket and dialed up Darryl’s phone number. His services were needed by the daddies.

-

This scam they were asking for, he knew it would be a death sentence. But the conviction in Henry’s voice strangled any self-preservation he had left. Scam knew he owed him for saving his life, and this con could be the opportunity for his _best_ work, his magnum opus of scams.

With a snap of his fingers, Benedict Cabbagepatch and himself traded places. In that instant, Scam took his form, apparating as a seven-foot-tall bean pole of a man. His essence took physical form as a well-styled moustache and attached itself to his upper lip. Scam knew that he would not survive this trip, but maybe this moustache- a part of himself- could.

“Okay, so it sounds like you have essentially no information on what awaits me inside the castle. It's to get an item that's extremely likely to be well-guarded, and there's no guarantee that my means of egress will be protected. I have only one thing to say to that...”

He turned to face the daddies, flamboyantly ripping the moustache off and tossing it aside.

“I’m in!”

_For you, Henry, I’ll do anything._


	2. Epilogue

The courtroom in Meth Bay was a dreary, soul-sucking sort of place. All of the people Well Actually passed on his way through the halls had a hollow gaze in their eyes, as if their inner lights had been extinguished. The guards outside the big oak doors hadn’t even batted an eye when Well Actually passed between the pair, opening the doors with a soft creaking and sneaking past the line of defendants to sit behind the defense’s desk. He had spent the past day wandering around the town, mostly giving girls unwarranted compliments and telling them they’d look prettier if they smiled. He had deviated from his planned agenda when a premonition had struck him. He would be needed elsewhere soon.

“Objection! The court is not on trial here.” A gnome-sized rat with tiny wings raised a paw from the prosecution’s desk.

The judge seated at the pulpit nodded respectfully, “Sustained.”

From the middle of the floor, a lanky hippie waved his hand as if he was snatching the argument from midair. “Withdrawn!” In the witness bench, a man who could only be described as a deadbeat middle-aged Rockstar gasped at the move.

The lawyer took a breath before folding his arms across his chest. “Let us now bring your attention to a separate incident. This would be our encounter with the Water Mice.”

The witness turned to the judge and asked, “Dad, is there like a rules lawyer that we can call in?”

Well Actually knew this was his cue. He stood up from the bench.

“A rules law-“ The judge began, but was cut off.

“-Well, actually, I’m not a lawyer, but I can clarify some rules for you.” All participants turned to gasp at him, and he tipped his fedora in a motion that could only be described as graceful and _incredibly_ cool. He waved his free hand and a large tome appeared in it, already open to the appropriate page.

He cited the rule at the judge’s request and snapped the book shut. His moment in the spotlight was short lived as everyone turned to face each other again and return to their bickering. Well Actually sighed and sat down on his bench, deciding he didn’t have much better to do today than watch the proceedings, even though he knew he wouldn’t be needed for anything else here.

All of the people here could only be described as cucks. None of them could ever snatch hot pussy like he could because he- Well Actually- was a _true_ gentleman. He held open doors and said “m’lady.” Never mind the fact that the one woman he had made a move on so far had hit him with her purse. But there was something about one of those men pacing across the room. No, not the doofus walking around in a suit jacket with no pants, but the smelly hippie boy. When Well Actually watched him saunter back to the defense’s counsel and high five the red headed child, some echoes of Well Actually’s former self whimpered deep within him. He made a note to suppress whatever the hell that was later. There were no emotions for him anymore- only an unwavering commitment to The Game.


End file.
